Shattered Dreams
My life was perfect. My loving husband and I had been married for 24 years. We had two
wonderful sons. Randy who is 23 and Brandon who is 9. What more could a person want?
I thought I could never be happier until I found out that I was expecting another little boy. We were all overjoyed. The pregnancy went good until the seventh month when I started bleeding badly. When I arrived at the hospital they decided to do an emergency C-section. I had a condition called placenta abruption which put me and the baby at risk. All I could think about was if my baby was going to be okay.
Elijah Scott Collins entered this world with the sweetest cry I'd ever heard. Our world revolved around him from that moment on. He stayed in the NICU for three weeks because he was a preemie. Finally we got to bring him home and he seemed to be a perfectly healthy baby except for some reflux issues that he eventually outgrew. Christmas came and we had great family time together. (We had no idea this would be our only Christmas with Eli.) About a week after Christmas I noticed that the right side of Eli's ribcage seemed a little firmer than the left side. After a quick trip to the pediatrician I was reassured that it was only muscle. The following week Eli started running a low grade fever and was very pale. He was acting like his belly hurt and the gas drops wasn't doing anything. I was very concerned that something was going on, so we took him to the Emergency Room. I told them about the symptoms he was having and I requested that they do an abdominal x-ray. They abdominal x-ray was denied but instead they did a chest x-ray along with blood work, urinalysis and a spinal tap. He was put on IV fluids and admitted. I kept telling them that I had a gut feeling that something was wrong inside his belly but they said everything was fine. On the third evening a God sent nurse by the name of Kim Ayers came on shift. When she came to Eli's bedside she immediately looked at me and said, "How long has he had this mass?" Finally someone else saw what I knew was there all along. Within 30 minutes from her arrival Eli's abdomen was x-rayed and we were told that he had a mass and we would have to do a CT scan to know exactly what all was involved. After the scan we learned that it was a liver mass and it measured 4x5 inches. Keep in mind that Eli was 3 months old preemie and weighed only 9 pounds. We were in total shock. This was our little boy......surely this mass can be safely removed.
They sent us to the nearest children's hospital to receive a proper diagnosis. There we were told that this mass was probably Hepatoblastoma. Then they used the word CANCER. Don't tell me my baby has CANCER, that doesn't happen to babies. They told us that if it was Hepatoblastoma that there is a 80% chance of it being malignant. Wait a minute now your saying my baby probably has Malignant Cancer. I think at that moment it felt like the world was crashing in on us. We were told that if Eli had any chance at all he needed to be transported to a place where they specialize in pediatric liver cancer. He was given his first of soon to be 18 blood transfusions and sent to Cincinnati Children's Hospital.
When we arrived at Cincinnati they started repeating tests. Finally we were told that the mass probably was Hepatoblastoma but we couldn't be sure until we did a biopsy. Two biopsies later they were still leaning toward Hepatoblastoma. At a later date after sending tissue samples to St.Louis the true diagnosis was made. Eli had Extrarenal Rhabdoid Tumor. After reviewing the CT scan the surgeon told us that this mass was inoperable at this point and Eli needed chemotherapy to try to shrink the mass down small enough so it could be safely removed. They put a central line into Eli's chest so he wouldn't have to be poked so much with needles. We were then moved to the hem/onc floor where we were welcomed by a warm and friendly staff. It was there we met Dr. Lars Wagner who was in charge of Eli's treatment. His compassion overwhelmed us. He truly cared about our child and his outcome. He was very honest with us about Eli's condition and told us that the CT scan showed that the cancer had spread to his lungs, which meant Eli had about a 20% chance of being cured. We knew we served a God who was able to heal Eli and that was our daily prayer.
Eli spent the next three months going through 3 rounds of chemo, tpn, lipids, blood and platelet transfusions, feeding tubes, iv fluids, ct scans, ekg, echo, gfr and hearing tests. Throughout it all he never lost his desire to nurse his Mommy. That was his favorite thing to do. He also enjoyed wagon rides down the hall with Daddy. Eli really was a true Daddy's boy, he was crazy about his Daddy. He was very close to his brothers and was spoiled to Brandon rocking him. The staff was amazed at how such a little baby was fascinated by watching television. His favorite shows included The Wiggles, Spongebob and Jerry Springer. He took a very special interest in a PA named Jennifer Garrett. He would just squeal when she came in to check on him. I think he sensed her warmness.
It was there in that hospital room in Cincinnati where my baby first discovered his hands. All of his firsts took place there in that room. Like when he was looking at his self in the mirror and discovered he had a voice. He let all the staff know about that. I recall the first time he laughed out loud.....I was making a really loud squeaking noise and it was making him laugh so loud. I was loving it and I didn't care who heard us.
After the third round of chemo Eli received another scan that revealed more bad news. The cancer was growing more rapidly and it had spread to his lymph node. Dr. Wagner told us Eli's chance of survival is getting slimmer because he is now resistant to the chemo. After talking with Dr. Wagner and the surgeon we decided that going in to do a resection of the liver was Eli's only chance. If they could get the bulk of the tumor out that would buy us time to find another chemo regimen that might work. We were aware of the complications that could arise during and after surgery but this was our only hope. We couldn't just give up on him when he had such a desire to live.
When they took Eli from my arms into surgery it left me breathless. I had to gasp to get air. At that point I ask God, "If it is your will to take my baby please take him while he is on the surgery table so he wont have to endure any more pain." After 3 hours the surgeon came out and asked to speak to us in private. I was very calm as he told us that when he opened Eli's abdomen the cancer had spread everywhere and there was nothing else that could be done. I recall looking up at my husband and I had never in 24 years seen that kind of hurt on his face as he told the surgeon we would just keep Eli comfortable and he didn't want him to suffer anymore. As we stood up to leave the room I begin to feel very disoriented and started screaming My Baby as I collapsed to the floor. It was at that point when everything really hit me and I realized my baby was actually going to die.
Eli was sent to the PICU where we joined him shortly. I was glad to be back with my baby again. He had been put back on the ventilator to breath for him. I picked up his little hand and held it as I whispered to him "Eli, Mommy is right here and I Love You." He opened his eyes and looked into mine. The thing I will never forget is that he wasn't making any crying sounds at all but little tears rolled from his eyes and went into his ears. I realized then that he was in pain but unable to physically cry. Again I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do to ease his pain except let him know I was there with him. He came off the ventilator rather quickly and was moved back on the main floor the very next day. Even after this major surgery Eli still nursed like a champ. That day. Dr. Wagner spoke with us about letting Eli heal a few more days then starting another chemo regimen. We agreed because as long as he was fighting to survive we wouldn't give up on him. The following day Eli was in a lot more pain. His heart rate went up and wouldn't come back down. The staff had prepared us for the worst and they made us a bed in the room where Eli, Brandon, Mommy & Daddy spent the night together snuggled up. At this point we decided not to do anymore chemo. His pain medicine had to be increased during the night several times. The next day Daddy & Brandon took a sponge with water on it and offered it to Eli. He would stick out his little tongue so far for just one drop of water. It ripped my heart out because he was supposed to be nursing me and no longer had the strength to. I refused to pump knowing I would have to dispose of the milk that belonged to Eli. I just couldn't do it. The staff said his heart had to be getting tired, but he just kept on clinging to life.
The next two days Eli slept a lot and we all cried a lot. On April 1, six days after his surgery Eli's heart rate started dropping and we lost him within a 10 minute period. It happened so quickly. He entered Heaven while laying in the arms of his Mommy. His Daddy was knelt beside him. His brothers and other family members were by his side. There is no way to explain the emptiness we now feel. A huge part of our hearts went with Eli that evening. Our lives will never be the same until the day we are reunited with our precious son in heaven.
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